April 9, 2020

Relationships while Quarantined | Esther Perel on The Tim Ferriss Show

Check out The Tim Ferriss Episode Page & Show Notes

Stressful situations, such as this pandemic, can cause tensions to rise and exacerbate existing differences in relationships
- One partner’s coping mechanism can be seen as a threat by the other partner (E.g.: One partner may cope by reading news updates on the coronavirus while the other partner doesn’t want to hear a single word about it)
Disasters accelerate everything:
- “In the aftermath of a disaster, there will be more babies, more marriages, and more divorces. It’s either life is short, what are we waiting for, let’s make a baby. It’s either life is short, I’ve waited long enough, let’s leave. ” –Esther Perel
  - Your priorities get reorganized and you rethink WHAT and WHO is important to you
“The divorce is the end of the marriage but it’s not the end of the family. It’s the reorganization of the family.” –Esther Perel
Use meals as an opportunity to connect and get to know your partner
- It’s okay to laugh during hard times, it provides moments of much-needed relief
  - Talk to your partner about mortality and share your fears
Just because you live alone, that doesn’t mean you have to be lonely–talk to your friends and family members
- Have dinner with friends while video chatting
- If you’re feeling lonely, go volunteer: help deliver food, buy groceries for the elderly, bring medicine to people, walk someone’s dog

Esther Perel (@estherperel) is a psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author of Mating in Captivity, which has been translated into 26 languages, and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity
Host: Tim Ferriss (@tferriss)

Esther is in a monthly book club, this month they’re reading A Dance To The Music of Time by Anthony Powell

Stressful situations, such as this pandemic, can cause tensions to rise and exacerbate existing differences in relationships
- One partner’s coping mechanism can be seen as a threat by the other partner (Ex: One partner may cope by reading news updates on the coronavirus while the other partner doesn’t want to hear a single word about it)
There are 4 stages of disaster: warning, planning, actual event, aftermath
Disaster accelerates everything:
- “In the aftermath of disaster, there will be more babies, more marriages, and more divorces. It’s either life is short, what are we waiting for, let’s make a baby. It’s either life is short, I’ve waited long enough, let’s leave. ” –Esther Perel
  - Your priorities get reorganized and you rethink WHAT and WHO is important to you
    - Perhaps you’ll take up art or another passion you’ve been holding off on, or call up someone you’ve been missing
The coronavirus has shown us that “We’re all vulnerable to being randomly exterminated at anytime” –Esther Perel
Historical stories about triumph and how people overcome adversity can help people get through difficult times

The words your parents used to describe you as a child can have a big impact on how you view yourself
- The stories you tell yourself aren’t etched in stone, but live on for a long time unless you put in the effort to reformat your story
Going to see your parents when you’re an adult are often processes of regression–you’ll feel like an adult until you enter your parent’s house
It’s important to stay in-touch with loved ones and communicate with them even if you can’t be around them
- “There is nothing that’s going to help us more in this moment than social cohesion and mutual support” –Esther Perel
  - “There are really incredible opportunities for deepening at this moment…people are spending more time together”
“The divorce is the end of the marriage but it’s not the end of the family. It’s the reorganization of the family.” –Esther Perel
- Work with your partner to create a plan to make sure your kids will be safe
Just because you live alone, that doesn’t mean you have to be lonely–talk to your friends and family members
- Have dinner with friends while video chatting
- If you’re feeling lonely, go volunteer: help deliver food, buy groceries for the eldery, bring medicine to people, walk someone’s dog
  - “If you don’t feel that your life is important enough for you, sometimes it helps to know that at least it makes a difference for others” –Esther Perel

Use meals as an opportunity to connect and get to know your partner
- It’s okay to laugh during hard times, it provides moments of much-needed relief
  - Talk to your partner about mortality and share your fears
Pursuing something creative helps us survive in tough times: paint, play music, sing songs
Dance together! You can cry from reading or listening to music, but you can’t dance and cry at the same time
- “You can’t dance and cry, the body won’t let you” –Esther Perel
Be aware of your emotions, cases of domestic violence rise in situations of confinement
If you aren’t physically with your partner:
- FaceTime them and ask them deep questions: what have you noticed that you don’t really pay attention to anymore or what have you been thinking about today
  - Don’t ask people how things are, ask them, how are you? (How are you sleeping, how are you eating, etc.)

Tim has been in quarantine for 4 weeks now, he enjoys having a routine, especially during these difficult times
- He puts his phone on airplane mode at 8pm and opens it only after eating breakfast
- He follows the workouts he’s learned from Jerzy Gregorek and his The Happy Body exercises
- He tries to take a cold plunge or shower during the day
- He’s a fan of Peloton because it provides exercise and is a social activity even if it’s people on a screen
Tim and his girlfriend cook dinner every night and say one thing they’re grateful for before eating, also no devices at the table
- After dinner, the two of them take the dog out for a walk
  - After the walk, Tim and his girlfriend usually watch stream a series but they watch a different series during the weekends so that there’s some feeling of a break so it doesn’t feel like groundhog day
    - Towards the end of the night, Tim hops into his barrel sauna and then does some foam rolling

Esther is still working as a therapist during the quarantine, the only difference is that all of her sessions are online now
Esther started a weekly movie club with her friends–everyone watches the same movie on their own time and then they all come together to discuss it
- Last week they watch The Marriage of Maria Braun
  - She also has a monthly book club, this month they’re reading A Dance To The Music of Time by Anthony Powell
    - “It’s so nice to be talking about something else for a bit” –Esther Perel
She also enjoys taking a walk with her husband
- She also tries to meditate and do yoga

relationships
Notes By Alex Wiec