How To Not Die Alone (The Science of Finding Love) | Logan Ury on The Reader’s Journey

Check out The Reader’s Journey Episode Page & Show Notes

Key Takeaways

  • “Relationships are built, they’re not discovered” – Logan Ury
  • The hard work of love isn’t just finding someone, there’s making it work, keeping the love alive, and navigating the ups and downs of a relationship
    • “Finding somebody is challenging, but that’s not where the hard work ends” – Logan Ury 
  • It’s okay if you go on a first date and don’t feel the “spark” or instant chemistry. Oftentimes it takes time to develop that chemistry.
    • “Way too often people are rejecting partners that could be potentially great matches long term because they didn’t feel this instant spark” Logan Ury
  • “Create a rule of thumb that you always go on a second date unless something really dramatic and bad happens on the first date” Logan Ury
  • Traits you should look for in a longterm partner:
    • Emotional stability: someone who doesn’t overreact in tough situations
    • Loyalty: someone who has existing long term friendships
    • Growth mindset: someone who believes they can grow their skills through effort
    • Ability to make hard decisions together: you want a teammate who you can trust and work well with
  • There’s a big difference between falling in love and being in love. 
    • Falling in love is an intense positive feeling whereas being in love is more of a low but sustainable positive emotion
      • “It’s not going to feel as intense as it did in the beginning and what you need to do is find someone great, commit to them, and understand that being in love doesn’t feel the same as falling in love” – Logan Ury

Intro

Books Mentioned

Why Modern Dating Is So Challenging

  • It’s easier to meet people now than ever before, however, dating is harder now than ever because:
    • People have higher than ever expectations (people expect to get all of their needs met from one person today instead of several people like friends, family, etc.)
    • People have high expectations of what relationships should feel like (due to comparing relationships from social media)
    • People suffer from the paradox of choice 
      • “More options make us feel depressed, makes it hard for us to choose, and in some ways leads to decision paralysis” – Logan Ury
    • People have fewer relationship role models (many parents are divorced)

Things That Can Hold You Back From Love

  • The Happily Ever After fallacy is the false idea that finding someone is the hard part of finding love
    • The hard work of love isn’t just finding someone, there’s making it work, keeping the love alive, understanding different relationship phases, and navigating the ups and downs
      • “Finding somebody is challenging, but that’s not where the hard work ends” – Logan Ury
  • There are 3 common dating blind spots dating that hold people back from finding love:
    • The Romanticizer has unrealistic expectations of relationships.
      • They want the soul mate, the happily ever after, the whole fairy tale.
    • The Maximizer has unrealistic expectations of their partner.
      • They love to explore their options and want to feel absolutely confident they’re making the right decision.
    • The Hesitator has unrealistic expectations of themselves.
      • They feel like they’re not ready to date.

How Attachment Theory Affects Your Dating Life

  • Attachment theory is one of the most rigorously researched elements of relationship science. It based on how kids related to their primary caregiver. 
  • There are 3 main types of attachment:
    • Anxiously attached: These people have a fear of their partner abandoning them and constantly want to be in touch with them.
    • Avoidant attached: These people have a fear that they will be smothered by the relationship and constantly pulling back from intimacy.
    • Securely attached: These people are comfortable with intimacy but also comfortable with their independence. 
  • Securely attached people are about 50% of the population but because they’re good at relationships, they tend to be taken and are good at making relationships work
  • Try to date someone who is securely attached or work on becoming more secure yourself

Myths About The Spark & Love At First Sight

  • It’s okay if you go on a first date and don’t feel the “spark” or instant chemistry. Oftentimes it takes time to develop that chemistry.
    • “Way too often people are rejecting partners that could be potentially great matches long term because they didn’t feel this instant spark” Logan Ury
      • Instead of focusing on instant chemistry with your date, focus on the slow burn. The slow burn is the person who gets better over time and would make a great long-term partner.
  • There are 3 main myths when it comes to the spark:
    • 1) The spark is either there or it isn’t
      • Truth: the spark can grow over time, it takes time for people to grow on someone
    • 2) The spark is always a good thing
      • Truth: sometimes there’s a spark just because the person is charismatic or hot  
    • 3) The spark means the relationship is going to workout
      • Truth: the spark doesn’t guarantee a great long-term connection
  • “Create a rule of thumb that you always go on a second date unless something really dramatic and bad happens on the first date” Logan Ury

Traits You Should Look For In A Long-term Partner

  • Traits that people overvalue in a long-term partner:
    • Looks and money don’t matter in a long term partner as much as we think they do because we adapt to our circumstances over time
    • You don’t necessarily need someone with the same personality as you. You want someone whose personality complements yours.
    • You don’t necessarily need someone with the same hobbies as you. As long as you each have space to pursue your hobbies, you can make it work.
  • Traits you should look for in a long-term partner:
    • Emotional stability: someone who doesn’t overreact in tough situations
    • Loyalty: someone who has existing long term friendships
    • Growth mindset: someone who believes they can grow their skills through effort
    • Ability to make hard decisions together: you want a teammate who you can trust and work well with

How To Make Dates More Fun

  • Stop treating dates like job interviews, get out of work mode and focus on connecting with the person instead 
  • Instead of trying to be interesting, aim to be interested
    • Be a good listener, ask follow up questions, and really get to know the person you’re on a date with
  • People disproportionately remember things on how they end so try to end the date on a high note such as giving them a meaningful compliment or sharing a dessert at the end of dinner

Being In Love Is Different From Falling In Love

  • There’s a big difference between falling in love and being in love. 
    • Falling in love is an intense positive feeling whereas being in love is more of a low but sustainable positive emotion
      • “It’s not going to feel as intense as it did in the beginning and what you need to do is find someone great, commit to them, and understand that being in love doesn’t feel the same as falling in love” – Logan Ury

Tips For Long Term Success

  • “Relationships are built, they’re not discovered” – Logan Ury
    • Aim to find someone great, put in effort, and create the relationship you want 
      • A huge percentage of the success in a relationship is the effort you put into making it work
  • Have hard conversations to make sure both of you are heading in the same direction before getting married:
    • Where will you live?
    • Do you want kids?
    • How will you manage your money?
The Reader's Journey : , , , , ,
Notes By Alex Wiec

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