How To Stop Being Mr. Nice Guy & Improve Your Dating Life | Dr. Robert Glover on The Reader’s Journey

Check out The Reader’s Journey Episode Page & Show Notes

Key Takeaways

  • “Nice Guy syndrome is a shame based disorder”Robert Glover
    • “Because of that shame, what happens for most Nice Guys is that they try to become what they believe other people want them to be, in order to be loved and liked and get their needs met”Robert Glover
  • “If you’re hiding everything about you, you’re not an authentic person. In a sense, you’re dishonest, you’re not real.” Robert Glover
  • Nice Guys aren’t actually nice:
    • They’re not honest
    • They don’t tell the truth
    • Don’t set boundaries
    • They’re manipulative 
    • They’re passive-aggressive
    • Don’t ask for what they want
  • Covert Contracts are secret agreements made by one person without the other one knowing. There are 3 main covert contracts:
    • 1) If I’m a good guy, then I’ll be liked and loved
    • 2) If I give to other people without them having to ask, then they should give to me without me having to ask
    • 3) If I do everything right, then I will have a problem-free life
  • “A really good starting point for any recovery process for Nice Guys is finding those safe people, revealing yourself, finding acceptance that you’re okay just as you are, releasing your toxic shame, connecting with men and finding ways to do guy things with guys…learning to be a good receiver”Robert Glover

Intro

Books Mentioned

Discovering Nice Guy Syndrome

  • When Robert was in his second marriage, he couldn’t understand why being a nice guy didn’t lead to his wife treating him better. In fact, his wife told him to go to therapy because he was being passive-aggressive.
    • “I didn’t want to lose her so I went to therapy to try to figure out why being a nice guy didn’t make my wife treat me better” – Robert Glover
  • Robert started seeing a similar pattern of Nice Guy behavior in men in his marriage therapy sessions
    • He started a men’s group to discuss their relationships and wrote blog articles about what he learned
      • “I didn’t set out to write a book, I was just writing and giving out material” – Robert Glover
        • Robert kept writing for 7 years and it took about 3 years to get his book published
          • “It continues to sell well”

Defining Nice Guy Syndrome

  • “Nice Guy syndrome is a shame-based disorder”Robert Glover
    • People with it feel like they aren’t good enough or aren’t loveable
      • It is also an anxiety disorder: Nice Guy are anxious about upsetting anybody, being rejected, or looking foolish
        • “Because of that shame, what happens for most Nice Guys is that they try to become what they believe other people want them to be, in order to be loved and liked and get their needs met”Robert Glover
  • “If you’re hiding everything about you, you’re not an authentic person. In a sense, you’re dishonest, you’re not real.” Robert Glover
    • “Even though I thought I was a good guy, I was really difficult to live with” 
  • Nice Guys aren’t actually nice:
    • They’re not honest
    • They don’t tell the truth
    • Don’t set boundaries
    • They’re manipulative 
    • They’re passive-aggressive
    • Don’t ask for what they want
  • Just as Nice Guys exists, so do Nice Girls
  • There are 2 types of Nice Guys:
    • I’m so bad Nice Guys 
    • I’m so good Nice Guys
      • This type of guys compartmentalize all of their shame and negative aspects of their life 

Victim Pukes, Covert Contracts, & Victim Triangles

  • Victim Pukes: The Nice Guy lets their resentment build up until something finally sets them off and they blow up and unleash all of their resentment and anger
  • Covert Contracts: Secret agreements made by one person without the other one knowing. There are 3 main covert contracts:
    • 1) If I’m a good guy, then I’ll be liked and loved
      • Truth: Being nice is only a tiny part of what women look for in a partner and not everyone will like you in this world
    • 2) If I give to other people without them having to ask, then they should give to me without me having to ask
      • Truth: The other person doesn’t know that there are strings attached to your gifts 
    • 3) If I do everything right, then I will have a problem-free life
      • Truth: You can’t do everything right and life is filled with problems
  • When you try to buy a woman’s love by paying her rent or buying her things, that’s using covert contracts and being manipulative
  • The Victim Triangle is a cycle where the Nice Guy tries to rescue a girl by helping her or buying her things, the Nice Guy doesn’t feel appreciated or valued and starts to feel like a victim, resentment and anger builds up and the Nice Guy turns into a persecutor and releases his anger through passive-aggressive behavior or victim pukes
    • “Now after we were trying to rescue them and show them how good we are and how much we love them…we end up doing mean things to them.” – Robert Glover
      • The problem Nice Guys make is that they try to fix things by being nicer or try to find a different person who they think will appreciate them more, without realizing that they are the problem

How To Stop Being A Nice Guy

  • “Develop an acceptance of who I am, I’m a perfectly imperfect person. I’m a flawed individual…all of that is part of me, it’s not bad. The more I can embrace and accept every part of me, the more I can like me, the more attractive I will be.” Robert Glover
  • Find a therapist, coach, or group of men that you can talk to release your shame:
    • “I found safe people to begin to release that shame, that toxic shame that I’m not good enough, that I’m unloveable” – Robert Glover
  • Connect with other men, you’ll:
    • Learn how to accept yourself 
    • Learn how to challenge yourself
    • Learn how to become comfortable being uncomfortable
    • Learn how to accept masculine feedback and accountability
  • Learn how to make your needs a priority:
    • When you need a hand, ask for help
    • When someone offers to help you, say yes
  • “A really good starting point for any recovery process for Nice Guys is finding those safe people, revealing yourself, finding acceptance that you’re okay just as you are, releasing your toxic shame, connecting with men and finding ways to do guy things with guys…learning to be a good receiver”Robert Glover
  • You need to set boundaries in your life. Just like a highway has boundaries and signs that tell people what they should and shouldn’t do, the same goes for relationships:
    • “They allow us to co-exist with lots of people in close proximity and not keep crashing into each other. Not just physically, but in emotional ways as well. A big part of growing up is learning how to set boundaries.” – Robert Glover
      • When it comes to setting boundaries, use the minimal amount of force needed when someone crosses the line. Don’t use a chainsaw where a fly swatter will do.

The Reader's Journey : , , , ,
Notes By Alex Wiec

More Notes on these topics

Top Insights and Tactics From

31 Best Podcasts of All Time

FREE when you join over 12,000 subscribers to the
Podcast Notes newsletter

No Thanks