jay shetty on purpose love languages

6 Steps on How To Understand Your Partner’s Love Language & Improve Your Communication Instantly – On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Check out the On Purpose with Jay Shetty Episode Page & Show Notes

Key Takeaways

  • Your preferred “love language” is the specific type of communication that resonates with you or your partner most meaningfully   
  • The 5 Love Languages:
    • 1) Words of Affirmation 
    • 2) Physical Touch
    • 3) Receiving Gifts
    • 4) Quality Time 
    • 5) Acts of Service 
  • “If you walked up to someone, and didn’t know what language they spoke, and started speaking to them in English, but they didn’t speak English—that’s how it feels not to receive love in your love language.”Jay Shetty
  • Your partner may be “okay” with not having love expressed to them through their preferred love language, but “okay” doesn’t equate to being filled with love

Books Mentioned

Intro

  • This is a solo episode in which Jay Shetty (@JayShettyIW) discusses six tips for helping to understand your partner’s preferred love language & improve relationship communication 

Jay Recommends Gary Chapman’s Book, The 5 Love Languages

  • “If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend you do” – Jay Shetty
  • What are love languages?
    • The specific type of communication that resonates with you or your partner most meaningfully 
    • “We all know there are lots of different ways of receiving love, but there are particular ways of receiving love, unconsciously or consciously, we view as more or less important” Jay Shetty

The 5 Love Languages, Expanded

  • 1) Words of Affirmation (many people feel loved when they’re acknowledged, recognized, appreciated, and told what they’re doing right)
    • Words can be in any form: text, voice, a letter, etc.
  • 2) Physical Touch (any nonverbal communication—a loving embrace, a hug, a kiss, holding hands, etc.)
  • 3) Receiving Gifts
  • 4) Quality Time 
  • 5) Acts of Service (e.g., household chores, making someone a meal, etc.)

Real Love is Expressed to Your Partner Through Their Preferred Love Language

  • “Learning to love in the way someone wants to be loved is far more the definition of love than just loving in any way.” – Jay Shetty
    • (“Real love is figuring out how someone wants to be loved”)

Before Understanding Your Partner’s Love Language, You Must Understand Yours

  • How? Ask yourself:
    • “What makes me happiest? When I receive love from my partner, which form of it feels the most satisfying? Is it when they touch me? Is it when they encourage me? Is it when they surprise me with a gift? Or is it when they spend quality time with me?”
  • Alternatively, ask yourself, “What is it that, when my partner doesn’t do, causes me pain?”
  • To find your preferred love language: “We have to learn to vocalize what we’re not saying. Sometimes, what we’re asking for isn’t what we truly want; it’s what we’re not asking for that we want.” – Jay Shetty
    • It’s uncomfortable for many males to say they need words of affirmation to feel love, but: “If you need it, and you’re not saying you need it, guess what? No one’s going to read your mind. No one’s going to figure it out.”

Understanding Your Partner’s Love Language is Essential

  • If you don’t know your partner’s love language:
    • It’s like paying someone in Euros when they live in the U.S.
    • “If you walked up to someone, and didn’t know what language they spoke, and started speaking to them in English, but they didn’t speak English—that’s how it feels not to receive love in your love language.”Jay Shetty
  • “That’s why so many couples today are disengaged in their relationships—they’re getting spoken to in the wrong [love] language.” – Jay Shetty

Your Parents Determine Your Preferred Love Languages

  • “So many of our love languages are based on how our parents loved us or didn’t love us.” – Jay Shetty
    • Expanded: What our parents did or didn’t give us is what we expect from our partners (we try to use our partners to fill a void or continue an experience that our parents created)

Take Your Partner’s Love Language and Go Deeper

  • ‘Words of affirmation’ doesn’t mean telling someone you love them every day; ‘physical touch’ doesn’t mean hugging your partner every other morning; ‘receiving gifts’ doesn’t just mean buying your partner a gift on their birthday
    • “When it becomes a technique, it loses the essence; it loses the real reason; it loses the real power of what it truly is. That’s why you should go deeper.” – Jay Shetty
  • For instance, if your partner prefers to receive love through gifts, go all out!

Don’t Confuse Your Partner’s Apathy for Simplicity (Okay Doesn’t Mean Happy)

  • Just because your partner isn’t demanding something, doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t have a need or want for it
  • “Don’t confuse apathy for simplicity. Being okay isn’t being happy; being okay isn’t joyful; being okay doesn’t build a bond.” – Jay Shetty
    • Your partner may be “okay” with not having love expressed to them through their preferred love language, but “okay” doesn’t equate to being filled with love
      • “If you want an okay, fine, average, neutral, mediocre relationship, you can continue to do nothing about what I’m saying.”
  • Similarly, aim to increase your partner’s happiness, not decrease their pain
    • (A lack of pain doesn’t equate to joy)

‘Things’ Can’t Replace Understanding Your Partner’s Love Language

  • “Things don’t replace love languages. Gifts, money, showing off, random travel—none of this can be a substitute for deeply understanding your partner’s love language.” Jay Shetty
On Purpose with Jay Shetty : , , ,
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