Harsh Psychology Truths with Adam Lane Smith on Modern Wisdom with Chris Williamson

Check out Episode Page and Show Notes

Key Takeaways

  • Attachment is the belief that someone cares for you and is the key to a healthy relationship
  • People with attachment issues have the fundamental belief that they are not worthy of love, that there’s something wrong with them
  • The male sex drive works by external stimulation
  • The female sex drive is built on emotional intimacy
  • Men are active creatures and often don’t act until action (divorce) is initiated: “there’s a problem I need to solve it”
  • Women are reactive creatures – they react to their environment
  • Children learn about cause and effect – A bad father, for example, teaches a child that 50% of people are going to treat them badly
  • Men need a purpose, something they can control, to avoid depression
  • Female depression comes from not feeling loved or feeling useless to the people they love

Intro

Adam Lane Smith (t:@TheBrometheus) is a psychotherapist an author of the Twitter thread that spawned this podcast.

Attachment – the key to a healthy relationship

  • Attachment has a lot to do with good mental health
  • It is the way that two human beings securely connect to each other
  • Attachment is the belief that someone cares for you
  • People with attachment issues have the fundamental belief that they are not worthy of love, that there’s something wrong with them – they don’t know what
  • These individuals don’t share and are stuck trying to earn love

Most Women are Disgusted by the Workings of the Male Sex Drive

  • The male sex drive works by external stimulation: e.g.) After seeing someone/something and a man becomes aroused, and his next thought is: how do I relieve this?
  • The female sex drive is built on emotional intimacy and sexual feelings flow from that
  • This makes sense from a genetic programming and child-bearing viewpoint
  • The female sex drive is meant to keep the species alive
  • Women perceive sexual attention as approval/love
  • Women in the sex industry/strip clubs report feeling empowered once they figure out how the male sex drive works

Why 70% of Divorces are Initiated by Women

  • If a man can’t feed a woman’s emotional needs, she can get frustrated and will file for divorce often with the man having no idea something’s wrong
  • In addition, a woman’s attachment shifts when she has kids – now she not only wants attachment for herself but seeks her man’s attachment for kids as well
  • Men are active creatures – they see a problem and react to it
  • That’s why men often don’t act until a divorce is initiated: “there’s a problem I need to solve it”
  • Women are reactive creatures – they react to their environment

Husbands Don’t Understand the Female Sex Drive

  • Ultimately both sides don’t realize each side is operating in a different mindset
  • By a husband diminishing his wife’s emotions, he turns off her sex drive E.g: buying stuff for her
  • Men have attachment issues more often than women

If Your Child is an Asshole it’s Your Fault

  • Healthy people don’t pick unhealthy partners
  • Choosing a poor partner is the parent’s fault
  • Take ownership of the bad relationship you brought your child into
  • Children learn about cause and effect – A bad father, for example, teaches a child that 50% of people are going to treat them badly

Not Every Issue is a Diagnosis

  • A diagnosis for anxiety/depression has to result from an impact on your quality of life, it has to have an impact that crosses a threshold
  • Being sad doesn’t mean a person has full depression
  • If you are fully functional you don’t have depression
  • It’s okay to be sad for two weeks when grieving
  • Worried vs. anxiety – using clinical words like “anxiety” muddies the water because it’s not just a word, it’s a label

Depressed Men

  • Depressed men tend to focus on learned helplessness
  • Men need a mission in life and believe they can fulfill it
  • Men who are excessively worried need a purpose, something they can control
  • That’s why losing a job can be especially traumatic for a man who sees his purpose as providing for the family
  • Female depression comes from not feeling loved or feeling useless to the people they love

Sexual Trauma and Women

  • Females are relational- which is why rape victims tend to blame themselves
  • E.g., What did I do to encourage him?
  • The female sex drive is personal
  • The male sex drive is not personal or emotional
  • Orgasm during rape comes back from evolution – it’s the female body trying to make a positive event of a horrific trauma
  • The release of oxytocin then bonds the victim to the perpetrator
  • This gives women shame until they understand it

Women Don’t Trust an Unreliable Man

  • It’s part of a woman’s evolutionary makeup to look for stability in a man
  • 10,000 years ago – a man who is honest meant he was strong and reliable
  • An unstable man shuts down a woman sex drive

How Should Men Attract women?

  • Men should figure out what women wanted 10,000 years ago
  • Women would have wanted men with:
    • Social skills – leader of the tribe
    • Good emotional intimacy
    • Problem solvers – not wimpy
    • Decisive but not brutal
    • Physically fit
  • The more of the above factors you have, the more women that will be attracted to you

Define Yourself by Innate Features

  • In the old days, you defined yourself by your actions = honor
  • Now, humans define themselves by what is interesting
  • “Scandal allows us to feel moral emotion without having done anything moral to earn it “ – Chris Williamson  
  • Pointing out others’ flaws usually means you have attachment issues

You Are Better Than Your Worse Mistake

  • A lot of people are haunted by a mistake but if you’re haunted by it, it means you care and hope you won’t make it again, which means you’re a new person because of it
  • A mistake is valuable if you’ve learned from it
  • Make that mistake mean something by changing who you are and how you approach something/someone

Insecure Men Treat Their Wives Like Mothers

  • When insecure men treat their wives like their mothers, and this kills the female sex drive
  • Men are shaped by their moms – they please her by doing what he thinks she wants “being a good boy”
  • In this way, men assume, sex will come naturally, when it doesn’t the husband turns cranky – “she’s not rewarding me for being a good boy”
  • “Wives are not looking for a good boy in their sexual partner” – Adam Lane Smith
  • Women want a strong, take-charge man

How To Have a Good First Date

  • On the first date, don’t be afraid to show who you are
  • Don’t date, have a courtship
  • Get the basics out of the way by discussing:
    • What do you want?
    • Do you want children?
    • Don’t have sex on the first date as she may have attachment issues
  • Vet your date for attachment issues

Other Stuff

  • The single greatest predictor of extra-marital sex is pre-marital sex
  • A relationship is difficult to build when it’s based on sex
  • Women who worry too much on performance, rob their sex drive

 

 

 

 

 

Modern Wisdom : , , , , , ,
Notes By EWerbitsky

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