January 11, 2018
Negotiating Secrets with Chris Voss–The Art of Letting People Have Their Way | The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish
Key Takeaways
- “Your success rate is higher once you forget about failing and focus on learning”
- If you let the other side go first, it saves time. It’s free information
- When you talk while smiling, people can tell, you can break down barriers by smiling
- The fear of loss is the biggest driver of human behavior. Look for the loss, and factor it into your thinking
- “Never be mean to someone who could hurt you by doing nothing”
- People love when someone doesn’t have to be deferential but is
Intro
- Chris Voss is the former FBI lead national kidnapping negotiator. He is the author of Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As Though Your Life Depended On It
- Host: Shane Parrish (@ShaneAParrish)
Inspiration
- As a kid, Chris knew he wanted to be in law enforcement
- He was originally a police officer before he started working for the FBI
- “How hard could it be?”
- After hearing about the hostage negotiating position within the FBI, Chris thought this to himself. It’s his family motto.
“Real good negotiation is real good emotional intelligence”
- Before becoming a hostage negotiator, Chris worked as a call operator on a suicide hotline in order to better learn how to talk with people in distress
- “Your success rate is higher once you forget about failing and focus on learning”
What surprised Chris the most about how negotiation works?
- If you let the other side go first, it saves time. It’s free information
- We tend to think the most direct route is telling what we want first
- If your ego is weak, don’t let the other side go first. If it’s strong and you have a good position, let them go first.
How does Chris step outside of his ego?
- “Genuine curiosity is a hack for emotional control”
- If you talk out loud, you are able to calm yourself down
- Talk in a in a ‘late night FM DJ voice’
Types of Voices
- Calming – like the late night FM DJ
- Assertive – direct and honest, “here’s what I want, give it to me”
- Smile Voice – when you talk while smiling, people can tell, you can break down barriers by smiling
“Negotiation is the art of letting the other side have your way”
- “How am I supposed to do that” – a great way to say no to something you don’t want
- Get them talking until the other side says something that works well for both of you
- The real issue with any deal is implementation not agreement
- That’s why you want it to be the other side’s idea, because the implementation will go much easier if it’s their idea
Bad Recommendations for Negotiating
- Go First and Anchor high
- Anchoring high means starting with something more than you would walk away with, like asking for a salary of $110k for a job when you would take $90k
- When you start off by giving an exact amount, it might be less than the employer was going to offer anyway
Negotiation One-Sheet
- Take a completely truthful version of what the facts and circumstances are that brought you to the table
- Consider fears the other side might have about you – maybe they see you as a bully?
- Fear gets in the way of deals more than benefits make deals
- Think about why they wouldn’t do business with you – that’s a deal breaker you need to eliminate
- Articulate it and bring any issue up to dissolve them
- If it’s lurking in the back of the other person’s mind, it’s a distraction
- Then think about the reasons why they would take the deal with you
Calibrated Questions
- Instead of saying “What are the next steps here?” say “It seems like you might have some next steps in mind” – it’s easier to gather information
- You eliminate the system 2 thinking by doing this and get the raw system 1 thoughts
- Check out the book Thinking Fast, Thinking Slow for more on system 1 and system 2 thinking
- The fear of loss is the biggest driver of human behavior. Look for the loss, and factor it into your thinking
Money in a Negotiation
- Employers should pay employees at the high end of their expectations
- If you pay someone lower than they hope for, they tend to be too anxious during their employment and they wont do a good job
- If you pay them more than they expected, they will take it for granted and wont be appreciative
- Overpaying is as much a problem as underpaying
Run to Trouble
- Work on your company’s biggest problems
- You won’t make it any worse
- If you succeed, you become known as a troubleshooter who really helped the company
- This puts you in a position to get paid more, and if not, its a great resume point
Chris’s Book – Never Split the Difference
- Has been leading the business category on Amazon since it came out
- An example of bringing the elephant out into the room
- When giving a talk, Chris might start by saying “Why would you listen to a hostage negotiator like me?”
- People might then answer his questions by saying “You might know something we don’t”
- This gets the other side/audience to say it so Chris doesn’t have to
The Most Dangerous Negotiation, is the One You Don’t Know You’re In
- Anytime the word “yes” is in the air, you’re negotiating
- If the phrase “I want” is in your brain, you’re in a negoiation
- “Never be mean to someone who could hurt you by doing nothing”
- The better your relationships, the more the other side wants to help you
There Can Be Great Power in Deference
- People love when someone doesn’t have to be deferential but is
- If someone perceives themself to be superior to you, they love it because they think they’re entitled to it
- If you’re on a peer level, and you treat the other person with deference, the other person appreciates the respect
- If you’re subordinate, and are deferential, they see you as being a very generous person
Other Key Tactics
- Using “Labels” – Like the above
- Instead of saying “What are the next steps here?” say “It seems like you might have some next steps in mind” – it’s easier to gather information, it opens up the floodgates
- If your kid asks for the car – say “It seems like you don’t think you have to earn the car”
- Getting people to say no
- Instead of “Would you like to try this option? say “Are you against this option?”
- Mirror
- Repeat the last 1-3 words someone said
Flow
- When your decision making is at its peak, your mental endurance increases, and your overall performance is that much better
- As soon as fear drops away we can think better and make better decisions
- People meditate to be able to maintain flow state better
Trust
- Substitute predict for trust. When you can predict what someone can do, you can trust them.
What’s the smallest habit Chris has that makes a big difference?
- Letting the other side articulate what’s really burning on their mind, the other person will be highly appreciative and you’ll save a lot of time
- “People find being listened to very satisfying”
