The Knowledge Project – Kids Are Worth It with Barbara Coloroso

The Knowledge Project Website

Listen to the podcast here

This is a conversation between Shane Parrish and Barbara Coloroso on how to effectively raise children in the 21st century.

Key Takeaways

• Evaluate the situation: “If it is not morally threatening, life-threatening, or unhealthy, let it go”
• “If you hit you sit”
• We all lose it, we all yell and scream at our kids, but you always have the chance to make it right and fix things
• You are a parent in the early years, a mentor during the teenage years, and a friend during adulthood 
• Podcast Notes Comment – A lot can be achieved of the below by taking “Easy Choice, Hard Life. Hard Choices, Easy Life” to heart

Introduction

• Barbara Coloroso (@BarbaraColoroso) is a speaker on topics ranging from parenting to schooling, as well as a best-selling author
  • Check out her website
• Barabara’s Book: Kids are Worth it
  • She is also the author of The Bully, Bullied, and Bystander, Parenting through a crisis, Just Because It Isn’t Wrong Doesn’t Make it Right

Three Basic Tenets

• Kids are worth it
  • Even when it feels like they are taking all of your time and energy
• Treat them how you would want to be treated
  • Dignity, love, compassion, and respect
• If the strategy works, it must leave the child’s, and parent’s, dignity intact
  • Hitting a child (destroying sense of self-worth) is not a strategy

Getting Kids on the Right Path

• As a child, standing up to injustices:
  • Requires courage and understanding
  • Involves doing the right thing, even if it is difficult and costly
• Giving kids the opportunity to make mistakes:
  • Gives them a chance to learn from the mistakes
  • Gives them a chance to make their own decisions
    • This increases responsibility 
• We want kids to be able get out of a situation when things get uncomfortable at their own volition 

Discipline

• Inner Discipline
  • It’s difficult for a child to develop, but once developed it is hard to unravel
• Self-Discipline
  • The ability to control your own feelings, and make the right decisions, even if they are costly or seem unpopular
• Students Causing Mayhem
  • Purposeful/Intentional misbehavior
    • How to fix? Give them ownership of the problem, and let them work on solving it
• Students Making Mistakes
  • Give them the chance to own it, fix it, and move on

Three R’s of Discipline

• Restitution
  • Fixing the problem
    • Replacing broken item, apologizing, etc.
• Resolution
  • Preventing the problem from reoccurring
    • Taking responsibility/ownership, understanding why it occurred, and why you shouldn’t do it again (learning)
• Reconciliation
  • Sympathetic/Empathetic towards the victim (Apology)
    • The child understands why the act was hurtful

Punishment vs. Discipline

• Discipline is something we do with a child
  • Talking/working with the child, and teaching them why a certain type of behavior is unacceptable
• Punishment is adult oriented
  • Ex. – Spanking, hitting, sitting in the corner

Sibling Conflict

• Conflict is Inevitable, violence is not
  • Teach kids to handle conflict without violence
  • Dealing with conflict
    • Win-Win situation, for example, we can watch this cartoon for 30 minutes and then switch to your cartoon
• Allow the child that was harmed some peace and time away from the negative event
• Children who are targeted by their siblings have a higher risk of getting targeted by their peers, and are at a higher risk for alcohol/drug abuse, self-harm, and depression

Handling Bullying

• Telling them to stop does not work; that is what bullies are looking for
  • Instead, teach your kids to stand strong and label the behavior, not the bully
• Kids tend to know if the school doesn’t handle bullying well, it will get worse
  • Sometimes solving an issue in secrecy is best
    • Tattling is getting someone in trouble
    • Telling is getting someone out of trouble

RSVP: Reasonable, Simple, Valuable, Practical

• Reasonable
  • Does the consequence fit the problem?
• Simple
  • Making sure the child understands why she is being asked to do this
• Valuable
  • Does the child take any value from the lesson?
• Practical
  • Does the problem require a consequence?
• Teach them that they do matter, and what they do matters
• Encouragement, feedback, a sense of deep caring
  • I believe in you, you can do it etc.

Three C’s: Compliment, Comments, Constructive Criticism, and Deep Caring

• Compliment
  • Let the child know the behavior was good
• Comment
  • Let the child know they are capable of fixing the problem
• Constructive Criticism
  • Teaching the child in ways that keep them involved
• Deep Caring
  • You do not have to like someone, but you must honor their humanity

Tolerance/Rules

• Rules are what we expect
  • Guidelines are how we hope the child will act 
  • Rules are important but must be rooted in deep caring
    • The basis of all rules revolves around deep caring
• Zero Tolerance Rule
  • Requires zero thinking, no personal involvement in each individual case (following blindly)
  • It is important that you are allowed to make exceptions to any rule
• Chores: slowly increase responsibility
  • A child with special needs might have less responsibility
  • Children from 3rd world countries do more chores because it is expected of them
• Saying No
  • As the parent, it is a good thing to take the blame for saying “No” at times
    • For example, “Mom can I spend the night at a friends?”, saying “No” takes the responsibility from the child in times of pressure

Teens/Social Media

• Monitoring child’s activity
• Teach kids how to be digitally savvy
  • How to be kind, civil online
• Commonsensemedia.org
  • Tells you about the latest apps, games, concerns with movies
  • Experts in the field make handouts to parents and educators on digital media
• Stopcyberbullying.org  
  • Tool for parents in keeping their kids stay safe
• Any violence kids are exposed to becomes apart of their worldview

Sex/Drugs

• Communicating/Teaching
  • Use the proper words
  • Be open when kids ask questions about sexuality, they need to understand how their body is changing
    • You don’t have to tell your kids about every mistake you’ve made