November 26, 2018

The Knowledge Project – Kids Are Worth It with Barbara Coloroso

The Knowledge Project Website

Listen to the podcast here

This is a conversation between Shane Parrish and Barbara Coloroso on how to effectively raise children in the 21st century.

Key Takeaways

Evaluate the situation: “If it is not morally threatening, life-threatening, or unhealthy, let it go”
“If you hit you sit”
We all lose it, we all yell and scream at our kids, but you always have the chance to make it right and fix things
You are a parent in the early years, a mentor during the teenage years, and a friend during adulthood
Podcast Notes Comment – A lot can be achieved of the below by taking “Easy Choice, Hard Life. Hard Choices, Easy Life” to heart

Introduction

Barbara Coloroso (@BarbaraColoroso) is a speaker on topics ranging from parenting to schooling, as well as a best-selling author
- Check out her website
Barabara’s Book: Kids are Worth it
- She is also the author of The Bully, Bullied, and Bystander, Parenting through a crisis, Just Because It Isn’t Wrong Doesn’t Make it Right

Three Basic Tenets

Kids are worth it
- Even when it feels like they are taking all of your time and energy
Treat them how you would want to be treated
- Dignity, love, compassion, and respect
If the strategy works, it must leave the child’s, and parent’s, dignity intact
- Hitting a child (destroying sense of self-worth) is not a strategy

Getting Kids on the Right Path

As a child, standing up to injustices:
- Requires courage and understanding
- Involves doing the right thing, even if it is difficult and costly
Giving kids the opportunity to make mistakes:
- Gives them a chance to learn from the mistakes
- Gives them a chance to make their own decisions
  - This increases responsibility
We want kids to be able get out of a situation when things get uncomfortable at their own volition

Discipline

Inner Discipline
- It’s difficult for a child to develop, but once developed it is hard to unravel
Self-Discipline
- The ability to control your own feelings, and make the right decisions, even if they are costly or seem unpopular
Students Causing Mayhem
- Purposeful/Intentional misbehavior
  - How to fix? Give them ownership of the problem, and let them work on solving it
Students Making Mistakes
- Give them the chance to own it, fix it, and move on

Three R’s of Discipline

Restitution
- Fixing the problem
  - Replacing broken item, apologizing, etc.
Resolution
- Preventing the problem from reoccurring
  - Taking responsibility/ownership, understanding why it occurred, and why you shouldn’t do it again (learning)
Reconciliation
- Sympathetic/Empathetic towards the victim (Apology)
  - The child understands why the act was hurtful

Punishment vs. Discipline

Discipline is something we do with a child
- Talking/working with the child, and teaching them why a certain type of behavior is unacceptable
Punishment is adult oriented
- Ex. – Spanking, hitting, sitting in the corner

Sibling Conflict

Conflict is Inevitable, violence is not
- Teach kids to handle conflict without violence
- Dealing with conflict
  - Win-Win situation, for example, we can watch this cartoon for 30 minutes and then switch to your cartoon
Allow the child that was harmed some peace and time away from the negative event
Children who are targeted by their siblings have a higher risk of getting targeted by their peers, and are at a higher risk for alcohol/drug abuse, self-harm, and depression

Handling Bullying

Telling them to stop does not work; that is what bullies are looking for
- Instead, teach your kids to stand strong and label the behavior, not the bully
Kids tend to know if the school doesn’t handle bullying well, it will get worse
- Sometimes solving an issue in secrecy is best
  - Tattling is getting someone in trouble
  - Telling is getting someone out of trouble

RSVP: Reasonable, Simple, Valuable, Practical

Reasonable
- Does the consequence fit the problem?
Simple
- Making sure the child understands why she is being asked to do this
Valuable
- Does the child take any value from the lesson?
Practical
- Does the problem require a consequence?
Teach them that they do matter, and what they do matters
Encouragement, feedback, a sense of deep caring
- I believe in you, you can do it etc.

Three C’s: Compliment, Comments, Constructive Criticism, and Deep Caring

Compliment
- Let the child know the behavior was good
Comment
- Let the child know they are capable of fixing the problem
Constructive Criticism
- Teaching the child in ways that keep them involved
Deep Caring
- You do not have to like someone, but you must honor their humanity

Tolerance/Rules

Rules are what we expect
- Guidelines are how we hope the child will act
- Rules are important but must be rooted in deep caring
  - The basis of all rules revolves around deep caring
Zero Tolerance Rule
- Requires zero thinking, no personal involvement in each individual case (following blindly)
- It is important that you are allowed to make exceptions to any rule
Chores: slowly increase responsibility
- A child with special needs might have less responsibility
- Children from 3rd world countries do more chores because it is expected of them
Saying No
- As the parent, it is a good thing to take the blame for saying “No” at times
  - For example, “Mom can I spend the night at a friends?”, saying “No” takes the responsibility from the child in times of pressure

Teens/Social Media

Monitoring child’s activity
Teach kids how to be digitally savvy
- How to be kind, civil online
Commonsensemedia.org
- Tells you about the latest apps, games, concerns with movies
- Experts in the field make handouts to parents and educators on digital media
Stopcyberbullying.org
- Tool for parents in keeping their kids stay safe
Any violence kids are exposed to becomes apart of their worldview

Sex/Drugs

Communicating/Teaching
- Use the proper words
- Be open when kids ask questions about sexuality, they need to understand how their body is changing
  - You don’t have to tell your kids about every mistake you’ve made