neil strauss gabby reece

Modern Dating, Parenting Advice, and the Truth About Fear – Neil Strauss on The Gabby Reece Show

Check out The Gabby Reece Show Podcast Episode Page & Show Notes

Key Takeaways

  • “At some point, you have to break from what your parents expect of you and do what’s right for you. And if you don’t, you haven’t lived your life.” – Neil Strauss
  • Parenting advice:
    • LISTEN
    • Give your child space and allow them to learn from their mistakes
  • Fear is in relation to an immediate threat; anxiety is a projection about future events/threats
    • “Recognize that your fears are real and your anxieties are imaginary. That gives you a lot of freedom.” – Neil Strauss
  • Dating apps are designed to be impulsive and addictive —they’re designed to build subscription revenue
  • Quotes from Neil to ponder:
    • “Faking status and chasing status don’t lead anywhere healthy”
    • “Not until you can be alone without loneliness are you ready for a relationship”
    • “Where there’s reactivity, there’s a wound”
    • “Whatever the question, the right answer is always love and compassion”

Intro

Books Mentioned

  • Neil’s books:
    • The Game, which documents Neil’s immersion into the underground society of pick-up artistry
    • The Truth, in which Neil explores (and lives out) the many different relationship styles
  • If you’re interested in human behavior, Neil recommends Manwatching: A field guide to human behavior by Desmond Morris
  • Gabby highly recommends reading The Art of Fear by Kristen Ulmer 

How Neil Became a Writer

  • Going into college, Neil wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to do with his life, although his parents thought he should major in economics
    • While there, Neil met a freelance writer and thought to himself, “Wait, you can make a living by writing different things for different people without having a job? That’s what I want to do.”
  • “At some point, you have to break from what your parents expect of you and do what’s right for you. And if you don’t, you haven’t lived your life.” – Neil Strauss
    • If you succeed, great! If you don’t, you’ll likely learn a lot about yourself and grow as a person.

Parenting Advice

  • Children watch and follow the actions of their parents much more than their words
  • As children develop, the way they interact with their parents evolves:
    • Kids are dependent on their parents
    • Teens are anti-dependent on their parents
    • Young adults are inter-dependent on their parents
  • Sometimes, the best thing you can do as a parent is to truly listen to your child
    • Don’t judge or attempto to correct—that’ll only result in them shutting down
    • “Bite your tongue, and really listen, hear, and understand them. Even if you don’t agree, it’s powerful.” Neil Strauss
  • Most parents struggle with their teenage kids—they’re too attached and want to do everything in their power to protect them. Often, though, the best thing you can do is give them space and allow them to learn from their own mistakes.
  • 🎧 It’s often hard to view your child as the teen or young adult they are, but it’s important to do do so

Pursuing Your Passion & The Two Trains Theory

  • As creatives (artists, musicians, writers, etc.) get older, they tend to make more security-oriented choices as opposed to passion-oriented choices
    • Many actors, for instance, once they have kids, start doing “cheesy movies” solely because they pay well
    • The paradox, here, is that passion-oriented choices tend to be more monetarily rewarding in the long run
  • Most people believe that the best way to pursue your passion is to save up money working your day job, quit, then go all-in on your passion—nope! There’s a better strategy, known as the ‘Two Trains Theory’:
    • Stick with your day job and start building a side hustle at nights and on the weekends. Once your side hustle is progressing at the same speed as—or faster than—your day job, go all-in.

Humans Are Status-Seekers

  • In Neil’s book, The Game, he discusses how status is an essential trait for attracting women
    • When you walk into a club, no one cares what you do for a living or how much money you make—it’s all about conveying that you’re high-status (i.e., being the center of attention, having a bunch of people want to talk to you, etc.)
  • “We’re such status-seeking creatures; it’s kind of sad”Neil Strauss
    • “Faking status and chasing status don’t lead anywhere healthy”
      • Trying too hard to gain status by buying fancy cars or boats, for instance, is counter-productive—it actually lowers your status (you seeking approval from other people = a low-status behavior)

🎧 Fear ≠ Anxiety

  • Fear and anxiety are not the same:
    • Fear is in relation to an immediate threat; anxiety is a projection about future events/threats
      • “Recognize that your fears are real and your anxieties are imaginary. That gives you a lot of freedom.” – Neil Strauss

The State of Dating 

  • Dating advice for men: Just be normal (don’t be needy, creepy, or a try-hard)
  • A great quote from Neil’s book, The Truth: “Not until you can be alone without loneliness are you ready for a relationship”
  • Dating apps have made people somewhat disposable—if even one thing is off about someone, you can go back to fishing for other dates within minutes!
  • 🎧 Dating apps are designed to be impulsive and addictive —they’re designed to build subscription revenue
    • “The incentive of the app is not for you to find ‘the one’ … It’s to keep you subscribing as long as possible.” Neil Strauss
    • The longer you’re single, the better it is for their business

Requirements for Love

  • Honesty is one person acting with integrity; trust is believing that your partner is acting with integrity
    • If you’re an honest person, but your partner still lacks trust in you, it’ll destroy your relationship
  • You cannot have love without honesty, trust, and respect; you need to feel comfortable enough to show your vulnerabilities and still feel safe

The Karpman Drama Triangle

  • The ‘Karpman Drama Triangle’ maps a type of destructive interaction that can occur between people in conflict
    • The three corners of the triangle: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor (and you never want to be in any of the corners)
      • The best way to get escape the triangle is to have empathy for the person you’re in conflict with

Deep Quotes From Neil

  • “So much of the stress we have is harder work than the work itself”
    • (Don’t let deadlines or stress ruin your life)
  • “Whatever the question, the right answer is always love and compassion”
    • (If you don’t know what to do in a situation, think back to this quote)
  • “Where there’s reactivity, there’s a wound”
    • (If you’re overreacting, it’s 100% percent not about the other person—you’re likely having an unconscious reaction about an emotional event that happened long ago)
  • “People will perform for the gender they’re attracted too, even unconsciously, even if they’re already taken … That approval means something to them.”
    • (As soon as one girl enters an interaction of a group of men, the dynamics of the group change dramatically)

Additional Notes

  • Gold-diggers don’t go after people with the most money; they go after people who love spending money
  • Inspire people through love and compassion, not shame and guilt
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Notes By Alex Wiec

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