The Art of Manliness – The Self-Driven Child

Intro

• Rates of anxiety and depression are up among school-aged children and teens 
• Bill Stixurd is a clinical neuropsychologist and Ned Johnson is a college test prep coach
  • They are the authors of The Self-Driven Child:  The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives
  • In summary – modern helicopter parenting, and highly structured school/after school schedules are part of the cause of this increased anxiety and lack of motivation among teens
  • The solution – let your children make more of their own choices

The Self-Driven Child

• As a clinical psychologist, Bill has noticed quite an increase in anxiety and depressive disorders
• Ned, as a test prep coach, has observed many students who are extremely stressed about high school
• “You can’t become truly self motivated in a healthy way, unless you have a sense of autonomy over your own life” – Bill
• “A certain amount of stress is good, but too much stress is distress” – Ned

Anxiety and Depression

• A lack of a sense of control, is one of the major drivers of these high rates of anxiety and depression for kids
  • Compared to young people 20-30 years ago, the feeling of a loss of control has sky rocketed
  • Our culture has this idea that there’s a very narrow path to success – achieved only by doing well in school.
  • “It feels like, to a lot of people, that all great things in life – a great home, spouse, vacation, etc. – all results from how we do academically” 
    • “We know this isn’t true, there are so many paths that someone can take to find success” – Ned
• Sleep deprivation also accelerates feelings of anxiety and depression
  • “The proper way to success, is to work hard and rest hard”
  • Our culture prides itself on a lack of sleep, which needs to stop
• Check out Has the Smart Phone Destroyed a Generation? – The Atlantic
• For more on anxiety, check out these Podcast Notes on how to better deal with anxiety

The Locus of Control

• The prefrontal cortex regulates the amygdala
  • Roles of the prefrontal cortex – planning, logical thinking
  • Roles of the amygdala – the brain’s threat detection system
  • Some kids are born more prone to stress – their amygdala is much more sensitive to signs of threat, due to a lack of control by the prefrontal cortex
  • To further the development of the prefrontal cortex, we have to allow our kids to make choices….even if they’re dumb choices
• The problem – parents like to feel in control, and derive much of their social image by how well their son/daughter is doing in life
  • By always being in control – you’re hindering your child’s ability to develop their own sense of control
• Many kids are terrified of making a mistake, because they’ve never made one
  • It’s important to instill a sense of the “It’s okay to make a mistake” mindset into our children – we need to give them confidence that even if they do make a mistake, they’ll be able to deal with it
• “Experience is the best teacher”
• “Kids often make as good of a decision as the parents would make” – so let them
• Part of the reason kids have so little control of their lives – they don’t play as much anymore, all their time is structured
• Kids who have never been forced to make choices for themselves before, are thrown to the wolves in college – leading to higher instances of anxiety and depression
  • “Don’t send your kids to college unless they’ve demonstrated for 6 months that they can run their own life”
• Stop making every decision for your kid
  • If it helps – give them choices, instead of total free reign
• “If you want someone to do well at something, you have to be comfortable with them doing it poorly first. That’s how we learn.”

Parenting

• The most effective parenting style is, authoritative, as opposed to authoritarian or laissez faire
  • This means you set limits, but also negotiate more with your children
  • You’re still very much involved in their life
  • You should almost see yourself as a consultant, rather than a parent
• Instead of saying something along the lines of “Shouldn’t you be doing your homework?”, say, “Would you like help with your homework?” – it puts the decision on them
• How do you instill intrinsic motivation in your kids?
  • Hold family meetings, and talk about things
  • Give kids a choice of how they contribute to the family, as opposed to making them do a certain type of chore
• Let your kids experience stressful situations – don’t steer them away from them
  • That’s how we develop resilience
• Another effective parenting strategy – think out loud
  • Talk to your kids about situations you are going through, and how you’re dealing with them

Kids and Downtime