
June 25, 2018
The Art of Manliness – The Self-Driven Child
Intro
- Rates of anxiety and depression are up among school-aged children and teens
- Bill Stixurd is a clinical neuropsychologist and Ned Johnson is a college test prep coach
- They are the authors of The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives
- In summary – modern helicopter parenting, and highly structured school/after school schedules are part of the cause of this increased anxiety and lack of motivation among teens
- The solution – let your children make more of their own choices
The Self-Driven Child
- As a clinical psychologist, Bill has noticed quite an increase in anxiety and depressive disorders
- Ned, as a test prep coach, has observed many students who are extremely stressed about high school
- “You can’t become truly self motivated in a healthy way, unless you have a sense of autonomy over your own life” – Bill
- “A certain amount of stress is good, but too much stress is distress” – Ned
Anxiety and Depression
- A lack of a sense of control, is one of the major drivers of these high rates of anxiety and depression for kids
- Compared to young people 20-30 years ago, the feeling of a loss of control has sky rocketed
- Our culture has this idea that there’s a very narrow path to success – achieved only by doing well in school.
- “It feels like, to a lot of people, that all great things in life – a great home, spouse, vacation, etc. – all results from how we do academically”
- “We know this isn’t true, there are so many paths that someone can take to find success” – Ned
- Sleep deprivation also accelerates feelings of anxiety and depression
- “The proper way to success, is to work hard and rest hard”
- Our culture prides itself on a lack of sleep, which needs to stop
- Check out Has the Smart Phone Destroyed a Generation? – The Atlantic
- For more on anxiety, check out these Podcast Notes on how to better deal with anxiety
The Locus of Control
- The prefrontal cortex regulates the amygdala
- Roles of the prefrontal cortex – planning, logical thinking
- Roles of the amygdala – the brain’s threat detection system
- Some kids are born more prone to stress – their amygdala is much more sensitive to signs of threat, due to a lack of control by the prefrontal cortex
- To further the development of the prefrontal cortex, we have to allow our kids to make choices….even if they’re dumb choices
- The problem – parents like to feel in control, and derive much of their social image by how well their son/daughter is doing in life
- By always being in control – you’re hindering your child’s ability to develop their own sense of control
- Many kids are terrified of making a mistake, because they’ve never made one
- It’s important to instill a sense of the “It’s okay to make a mistake” mindset into our children – we need to give them confidence that even if they do make a mistake, they’ll be able to deal with it
- “Experience is the best teacher”
- “Kids often make as good of a decision as the parents would make” – so let them
- Part of the reason kids have so little control of their lives – they don’t play as much anymore, all their time is structured
- Kids who have never been forced to make choices for themselves before, are thrown to the wolves in college – leading to higher instances of anxiety and depression
- “Don’t send your kids to college unless they’ve demonstrated for 6 months that they can run their own life”
- Stop making every decision for your kid
- If it helps – give them choices, instead of total free reign
- “If you want someone to do well at something, you have to be comfortable with them doing it poorly first. That’s how we learn.”
Parenting
- The most effective parenting style is, authoritative, as opposed to authoritarian or laissez faire
- This means you set limits, but also negotiate more with your children
- You’re still very much involved in their life
- You should almost see yourself as a consultant, rather than a parent
- Instead of saying something along the lines of “Shouldn’t you be doing your homework?”, say, “Would you like help with your homework?” – it puts the decision on them
- How do you instill intrinsic motivation in your kids?
- Hold family meetings, and talk about things
- Give kids a choice of how they contribute to the family, as opposed to making them do a certain type of chore
- Let your kids experience stressful situations – don’t steer them away from them
- That’s how we develop resilience
- Another effective parenting strategy – think out loud
- Talk to your kids about situations you are going through, and how you’re dealing with them
Kids and Downtime
- The world is so fast paced, and everyone is so busy. When we’re not busy, we find something to focus our attention on – it’s a real problem.
- The default mode network (DMN) in the brain is activated when we’re not doing anything else
- The DMN is essentially the ego
- “We don’t allow ourselves enough time, to just sit with our thoughts, to think stuff through and figure out our place in the world” – This is incredibly important in order to develop a sense of who you truly are
- Kids are never bored nowadays
- The default mode network (DMN) in the brain is activated when we’re not doing anything else
- If kids want to perform better, the single most important thing they can do, is get more sleep
- 90% of kids who have phones, are sleeping with them
- Check out these posts for some useful sleep tips, and some more info. on the many benefits of a full nights rest
- Set rules for your family
- No digital devices at meal time
- Charge your phone in the kitchen or living room, not the bed room
- Don’t use a cell phone as an alarm clock – use an actual alarm clock
- Have scheduled family time, where no one is distracted by a cell phone