Dr. Taylor Burrowes: A PhD in Relationship Advice – Modern Wisdom

Key Takeaways

  • Choosing the right partner is the most important thing when it comes to a relationship’s success
  • If only one person is motivated to fix the relationship’s issues, it’s a lost cause
  • “If we actually did more work in the self-development department, we’d probably do a much better job of attracting the right type of people to us”
  • Lifestyle elements are typically where you need commonalities in a relationship
    • Ex. – Valuing a healthy diet, being active, being productive, etc.
    • “If you really don’t have a general lifestyle that’s shared, it’ll create a lot of a lot of problems, resentment, and power struggles”
  • You and your partner’s values should be aligned as much as possible, especially when it comes to your vision for the future
  • Women need to feel encouraged and comfortable expressing their sexuality – this is largely up to the man to draw out of them
  • Masturbation can be a useful tool for women who have repressed sexuality

Books Mentioned

  • Check out David Deida’s book – The Way of the Superior Man
    • The book describes how within any relationship, no matter the sexes involved, both masculine and feminine energy manifest 

Intro

  • Host – Chris Williamson (@ChrisWillx)
  • Dr. Taylor Burrowes is a marriage and family therapist
    • She’s definitely someone you should be following on Twitter
    • Check out here website where she offers relationship counseling

Trauma

  • After people experience trauma, they’ll either go one of two directions:
    • If they don’t recover properly, they can go through life as if they’re damaged or emotionally handicapped
    • But if they do recover/heal, they can become an even better person, regardless of the trauma

The Most Important Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Hear

  • Taylor stopped being a full-time marriage therapist in May of last year – she now does all of her work online
  • As background, Taylor married in 2012, but divorced soon after
  • Why did most couples come to see Taylor?
    • “The number one thing is that people are choosing the wrong partners”
      • And you can’t really fix something that’s fundamentally flawed
    • Taylor adds – If only one person is motivated to fix the relationship’s issues, it’s a lost cause
  • Taylor is now focused on helping people in the dating stage of relationships, particularly when it comes to finding the right partner

How to Find Your Ideal Partner

  • It first stems from you and developing your ideal self
  • When it comes down to it, there’s probably ~1,000 people in the universe who are your ideal matches
  • “If we actually did more work in the self-development department, we’d probably do a much better job of attracting the right type of people to us”
  • Chris adds:
    • Many people get pushed into relationships because they don’t feel whole while they’re alone
    • “You need to be able to love yourself before you can allow some else to love you and before you can really let someone in properly. If you don’t understand who you are, how the hell do you expect someone else to?”
  • Remember – “You’re not incomplete as an individual, you’re in process”

Align on Lifestyle and Everything Else Takes Care of Itself

  • When looking for a partner, know that there will be issues where you need commonalities and issues where you need polarities
    • Lifestyle elements are typically where you need commonalities
      • Ex. – Valuing a healthy diet, being active, being productive, etc.
      • You can have different interests, but you don’t want them to be predominantly separated
      • If one of you loves to spend 10 hours in the gym per week and the other loves watching Netflix – that’s a point of conflict that just doesn’t need to be there
        • “If you really don’t have a general lifestyle that’s shared, it’ll create a lot of a lot of problems, resentment, and power struggles”
        • When a couple compliments each other in many areas, the power struggle won’t exist because there will be a default mode of decision making/problem solving
    • Sexual polarity (chemistry, desire, etc.) is probably the most important 
      • “This needs to be really pronounced so you magnetize towards each other, no matter what’s happening in the relationship. People like to call it the ‘glue,’ but I call it the ‘life vest.'”

The Importance of Sharing Values

  • These have to line up
    • Ex. – Whether you’re more traditional/conservative, family-oriented, etc.
    • “You have to have that shared vision for the future”
      • “If you want to have a white picket fence with 6 kids, then you better both want that. If you don’t, don’t escalate the relationship.”

Does living together before marriage increase the likelihood of divorce?

  • Chris recalls hearing a statistic that it does
  • Taylor doesn’t quite agree
    • “It’s important to have novel experiences together, like traveling. You want to endure stress together to see how your partner handles it and discover how you work best together as a team. If you’re not going to live together, you better be manufacturing some opportunities to have that context where you have to come together as a team.”

How can you combat trust being broken in a relationship?

  • Taylor and Andrew Tate were recently debating infidelity on Twitter, check out the thread
  • Infidelity is certainly a difficult point to come back from
    • You probably won’t know where you stand on the issue until it happens
    • Some people may be in utter denial and put their head in the sand
    • Others may go full animal, and become extremely angry
  • One thing’s for sure – if each partner starts pointing fingers at the other saying that they’re the one that needs to change, the relationship is doomed

Let’s Talk About Sex

  • Many women feel restrained in their sexuality
    • Taylor’s on a mission to separate the negative/slutty/explicit sexuality from the very healthy/sensual/feminine sexuality
    • “Learning, for women, how to be selective with their sexual partners and yet be open and free with their sexual partners, is a very hard process”
  • Developing trust within a relationship allows full intimacy to prosper
  • Women need to feel encouraged and comfortable expressing their sexuality – this is largely up to the man to draw out of them
    • How does the man do this?
      • “It’s important for the man to be a little more sexually confident than the women and project that throughout the relationship… If the man doesn’t feel confident in that element with his sexuality, he needs to work on it… Go to the gym, get your fitness right, get your health checked, make sure you testosterone levels are healthy, and you’re eating/sleeping well.”
  • If you don’t address the sexual issues early on in your relationship, it creates cracks for negative scenarios to occur down the line
  • “You have to have that rhythm and harmony and be in sync with your partner so you can be hyper-sexual with them, but also talk about day to day logistics”
  • Other tips for men:
    • Reward and encourage the positive – if your partner is wearing something hot, let her know
      • “Attention is a really powerful currency with women”
    • Whatever your partner’s love language is – dive in
    • Be seductive – take her out, buy her flowers etc.

Masturbation

  • “I’m not against it, but definitely one of the things that’s distinct between men and women is that masturbation can be extremely helpful for women who have repressed sexuality”
    • Why? – It’s like learning to be a public speaker
      • Being exposed in a sexual way can be so anxiety-provoking for women – she needs to desensitize herself
        • This allows women to loosen up during sex and more easily let her guard down

Additional Notes

  • Check out David Deida’s book – The Way of the Superior Man
    • The book describes how within any relationship, no matter the sexes involved, both masculine and feminine energy manifest 
  • Chris says Jordan’s Peterson’s appearance on Dr. Oz’s podcast was epic
  • Taylor recently polled her Twitter followers asking what “dating” meant
    • ~30% said it meant seeing multiple people at once
    • ~60% said it meant seeing one person exclusively
  • Be open with your partner from the beginning of the relationship in regards to expectations 
  • Chris is 31 and currently single
  • Aubrey Marcus and Whitney Miller just ended their non-monogamous relationship 
  • “Women do not handle criticism well, in general”
    • “We need to get the women a little more open to criticism and self-improvement, for sure”
  • 80% of Taylor’s clients are men

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