Dr. Taylor Burrowes: Love, Sex, and Relationships – The Art of Health with Alexander Juan Cortes

Key Takeaways

  • Women tend to have a laundry list of things they want in a partner, without taking into account what they’re personally bringing to the table
    • Know that even if you were dating a man who completely matched that list, it doesn’t guarantee a perfect relationship
  • Love + Desire + Logic = An Ideal Partner
    • Love – when you really enjoy someone’s company
    • Desire – the sexual polarity and chemistry
    • Logic – shared values and lifestyle
  • You know you’re in a good relationship with someone when you’re constantly thinking about what you can do for them (to make them happy/comfortable/etc.)
    • On the other hand – “When you’re trying to guide or mold someone into this idea of who you think you should be with, that’s usually a bad sign”
  • Great relationships take time to build
  • Women are attracted to men who lead other men, have lots of male friends, and are doing things to make a mark on the world
    • Focus on being a man that’s constantly developing himself and always striving to be better 
    • (All of these elements are far more attractive to a woman than outward appearance)
  • “A man experiencing anxiety or insecurity is a man who isn’t satisfied with himself”

Intro

  • Dr. Taylor Burrowes is a marriage and family therapist
    • She’s definitely someone you should be following on Twitter
    • Check out here website where she offers relationship counseling
  • Host – Alexander Juan Cortes

The Modern Dating Market

  • AJ:
    • Women tend to have a laundry list of things they want in another partner (he has to make 6 figures, be > 6 ft. tall, not be bald, have a nice smile , etc.), without a definition of what specific qualities or values they’re looking for 
      • Know that even if you were dating a man who completely matched that list, it doesn’t guarantee a perfect relationship
  • And because of this, men and women really have trouble getting to know each other – they’re just trying to find someone who checks the boxes
  • This gets into Taylor’s work:
    • Her aim – getting women to truly internalize that they can get the right man by being the woman they need to be and by being happy/content
      • (Although she does coach men as well)
    • “I find that women have a harder time with criticism, being honest about analyzing themselves, and looking at their weaknesses”
      • “When you have them think about what they personally are bringing to the table, they get stumped”
      • AJ adds:
        • Most women overestimate how attractive they are
        • They’re so focused on what kind of guy they want that they don’t closely examine themselves and their behaviors
      • “It’s this idealization of this trophy husband or boyfriend… when they’re not actually looking at what they bring to the table”

Great Relationships Take Time

  • “There’s a different emergence that happens when you begin to build a relationship with someone”
    • It’s easy to spend surface level time with someone (i.e., casual sex), but much more difficult to build something deeper
    • “And time is one of the most important ingredients in creating that connection with someone. You can’t just expect it to happen in a couple of weeks.”

The Formula For an Ideal Relationship

  • Love + Desire + Logic = An Ideal Partner
    • Love – when you really enjoy someone’s company
    • Desire – the sexual polarity and chemistry
    • Logic – shared values and lifestyle
  • Many people tend to just look at the desire or love side of the equation, without the logical component
    • And these things take time to gauge
  • You know you’re in a good relationship with someone when you’re constantly thinking about what you can do for them (to make them happy/comfortable/etc.)
    • On the other hand – “When you’re trying to guide or mold someone into this idea of who you think you should be with, that’s usually a bad sign”
  • “You need to be motivated to really put in the work and time, and invest into the relationship together… If you’re just expecting it to be gifted to you, that’s selfish and immature.”
  • Instead of coming up with a list of characteristics you’d like in a partner, look for someone who shares your lifestyle factors
    • There NEEDS to be some sort of overlap

Why Traveling With Your Partner is the Key to Getting to Know Them on The Deepest Level

  • Taylor’s definition of vulnerability – “It really comes down to just showing your claws and being honest about things”
  • Traveling, which can be high-stress or induce tension, allows you to really gauge someone’s personality
    • These situations give you an idea how your potential partner problem solves, handles conflict, and manage difficult situations (these are MUCH MORE important and valuable than a laundry list of ideal qualities)

What attracts a women to a man?

  • “Most men today don’t really lead at all” – AJ
    • Instead – they’re always reacting to their partner’s behaviors which then determines the outcome
      • (“Based upon what she does, is what I’ll do”)
  • Taylor adds:
    • Men tend to be more comfortable when it comes to leading sexually, compared to leading in many other areas (like being assertive/creative when planning dates, having passions, or engaging in self-development)
      • “There’s so many other ways for men to lead [besides in the bedroom] that they seem disconnected on”
  • “Women are really attracted to men who lead other men, have lots of male friends, and are doing things to make a mark on the world”- AJ
  • Focus on being a man that’s a leader who’s constantly developing himself and always striving to be better 
    • “All of these elements are far more attractive to a woman than outward appearance”

Women Need to Think About What They’re Bringing to the Table

  • If someone came to Taylor with a list of qualities they’d like in a man, here’s what Taylor would do:
    • She would start them from scratch – more likely than not, that woman has no idea what they want/what will really make them happy
    • She’s have them explore:
      • Who they are as a person
      • What makes them happy
      • What the ideal life they want to lead is really like
  • Simply – they NEED to think about what they’re bringing to the table that actually makes them deserve their ideal list
  • In reality – if a woman wanted to develop herself into the type of person who would attract the best man possible, she’d probably be kind, affectionate, caring, selfless, nurturing, and caring
  • Men want sec and loyalty
    • “A man is going to want someone who desires him so much that they could have sex as often as possible”

Wrapping Up With a Message From Taylor For Women

  • “If you can’t imagine the man to be a worthy father of your child, why are you having sex with them?”
  • And to add – If you’re going to have sex with a man, make sure you know him well enough that you’d choose to be exclusive with him

Additional Notes

  • “It’s actually not that hard to have sex, assuming you’re reasonably physical fit and not socially fucktarted” – AJ
  • “Healthy relationships ARE possible. This isn’t some sort of idealistic fantasy that relationships can’t be happy and healthy.”
  • You should feel completely natural around your partner 
    • Definitely DON’T start overthinking about what you should be doing or start trying to act in a certain way
  • “A man experiencing anxiety or insecurity is a man who isn’t satisfied with himself”
    • Taylor’s advice – DO MORE (WORK HARDER) to be the man you want to be and develop yourself
      • Get in action mode instead of letting anxiety create a fog around you
    • The anxiety many men experience occurs as a result of recognizing the deficiencies in themselves
Bookmark

FREE! THE TOP 10 PODCASTS OF 2018, AND WHAT WE LEARNED

You'll also get our weekly newsletter with the takeaways from our curated list of top podcasts. Unsubscribe anytime.