The Truth Barrel: Sex Expert Emily Morse on Prioritizing Sex and Asking For What You Want

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Some background
  • Emily ‘s podcast, Sex with Emily, has been in production since 2005
    • 3,000+ episodes
    • Emily was curious why 50% of marriages ended in divorce, and decided to explore it
    • Neil will be on her podcast in an upcoming episode
    • She now has her doctorate in human sexuality
    • Her mission is to save the world one orgasm at a time
  • In 2006 she started a live radio show on CBS Radio in San Francisco
  • In 2012, Emily began a four year-run as guest co-host of the nationally syndicated Loveline Radio Show
Some words of wisdom
  • Sometimes we end up getting celebrated for the things that were once challenges for us or made us different
  • If someone is threatening you, they’re threatened by you 
  • When you see someone and instantly don’t like them, that’s your shadow
    • You see all the bad parts of yourself in the other person
  • Sex is 20% of a relationship, but when it’s not working it’s 80% of a relationship
    • We’re not taught to prioritize it until it’s a problem
how has emily’s mission evolved while doing her podcast
  • At first, she was very anti monogamy, but now she realizes all relationship types have their problems
  • Her mother raised her to believe she should never rely on any man to take care of her
  • When she was 19, her dad had a sudden heart attack which caused his death. He was a lawyer, and Emily knew he didn’t really love it. This taught her that, no matter what, she needs to do something she loves.
Getting her doctorate
  • Many people today feel they need a degree to legitimize themselves
  • Neil – There are many people without degrees who are brilliant, and there are many people with degrees who aren’t so smart
  • Why did Emily obtain her doctorate?
    • More of a desperation move. There was a time (~2009) when her show/podcast wasn’t doing as well as she hoped. She thought getting her doctorate would help.
monetizing
  • In 2009, although she wasn’t making any money, she knew podcasting and helping people with their sex lives was what she wanted to do, she describes it as her mission
  • Emily needed to monitize her podcast, but she didn’t really know how
  • So, she did what was simple. Forget CPM’s (cost per million thousand downloads: this metric is commonly used in the podcast space for advertising costs), she asked a company to pay her a certain amount per month to talk about their product through the podcast, twitter, facebook etc. – no ads, no contracts
  • She only works with products she really believes in
being busy
  • Discussion about Neil and Gaby’s intimate conversation episode
    • Analogy – When a cheetah is hunting or about to eat an antelope, there’s one major difference – The cheetah wants to be there and the antelope doesn’t
    • When you’re busy making choices to take extra things on, be the cheetah, not the antelope
    • Being busy is a choice, accept your decisions
sex problems
  • Only 30% of woman have orgasms during sex
  • People have so much shame around sex, Emily tries to make it something comfortable to talk about
    • People are raised to think men always want sex, and women don’t want it and are pushing guys away…but it’s equally desired
  • What questions/ issues does she commonly deal with?
    • Many men have penis challenges – they ejaculate to quickly, they’re too small etc.
    • Woman have orgasm challenges
    • How do I get my partner to do x?
    • How can I talk to my partner about x?
    • Mismatched libidos
    • Am I normal?
  • Solutions
    • Penis problem and premature ejaculation – you can train yourself through masturbation with a flesh light
      • Neil used to do math in his head to prevent premature ejaculation, whatever you need to do to take yourself out of the moment
    • Emily thinks watching porn is fine, everything in moderation
    • Mismatched libido problem – men tend to always be ready to go, woman need to be turned on
      • Sex has to be a priority, whether or not your in a relationship. Don’t wait until there’s a problem.
      • Although you may be tired, you’re never going to regret giving you or your partner pleasure
      • Keep some mystery, it creates romantic/sexual tension. Do NOT go to the bathroom in front of your partner, that’s the complete opposite of keeping mystery.
  • Trauma untreated will only exaterbate in every situation
    • If you have sexual trauma, you need therapy
    • Whatever you resist persists. If you don’t deal with the issues in your life, they won’t go away.
How do you deal with mismatched libidos
  • It shifts in a relationship, it’ s normal
  • You have to talk about it and unpack it. If you don’t, one person will end up feeling rejection/resentment.
  • Ask – How can we compromise?
  • Maybe you can do something else instead of sex, like drawing a bath for your partner
  • Instead of saying “I need you to do this or that” build in different behaviors into the relationship that help you both know that you’re making both sacrifices and prioritizing sex
  • People have a sex script – have a conversation about fantasies, desires, what turns you on
  • Communication, not criticism – Use the compliment sandwich method
  • Don’t tell them what they’re doing wrong, tell them what you like
What’s the best way to have the ‘you smell funky down there’ conversation with a casual sex partner
  • Suggest taking a shower before sex
  • However, sometimes it could be a bacterial issue – be honest, suggest getting checked out
  • Everyone prefers honesty. They’re going to be embarrassed, but they’ll be appreciative.
For someone in a relationship, how should they push their sex boundaries?
  • Once in a relationship, people tend to take on identies and stick to their typical roles
  • Blame it on something you heard, say wouldn’t it be cool if we did X
  • Sex toys are like a spice for cooking, it enhances things
  • Go on an exploration together, just like couples who cook/work out together
  • “When you both agree to be together and go on an exploration of your sex life, the whole world opens up”
  • Or take sex off the table, and just learn sensual massages
odds and ends

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